Mental

I think i might be going mental..

And dying...

^^^^^^
Yes, i know, wat a mental thing to say. Proves my point dunnit?

I might be going mental coz i'm having so many emotional explosions. Or i feel like something is on my mind all the time.

My mom says i'm like my (late) grandfather. When he was frustrated or had something on his mind he always messed up his hair or something. I do that. And i'm doing that alot now.

I kinda hope that all these stupid feelings are the work of hormones. (that time of month) I would HATE to think that i'm actually going mental. And that i'm doomed to feel all wired up (in a bad way) forever.

Seriously, nowadays i can burst out almost any second. I almost cried like 3 times this week. AND IT'S NOT EVEN OVER. The week that is.
Bloody hell, i need my hair chopped off again for fear that i might pull chunks of it out. It's getting long which is annoying. I have no clue in styling long(ish) hair. I'm so fed up that i keep putting it up in a ponytail. Which is sooo last season, pshhhhhhaaw. Like i care...

Oh, yea, the dying part?
NO, i'm NOT suicidal. I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon. At least i hope i don't.

But i keep feeling like i won't live to a ripe old age.
Or even past form 5. I know. Paranoid aannd stupid.

I sometimes feel like life is not worth living.
I just want to hole up in my bedroom and rot away or something. No one lets me....
Right now, i'm sharing my bedroom with my cousin who is staying with us and my little brother. My queen bed is big but still, guess where i'm sleeping?
On the floor. Thank God for the uber thick new rug my parents got. Oh, and the 2 extra duvets.

Anyway, i seriously hope all i have is the case of the hormones.
Oh, and guess what...I might be going on a starving spree.
Ooooo, yea, how bloody dangerous. I don't think it matters. My endurance against food sucks. But if i could i would really love to go on that starving spree and actually see a difference. My mom keeps pushing food at me like she DOESN'T want me to change.

And she's getting reeeeeeeally paranoid now.
I can't have sleepovers at people's houses. It's kinda like dammit. My first chance to have sleepovers in forever and she says no. It's no fair really. I hardly ever ask anything to do with my friends. And then with friends leaving left and right. Man, she's my mom and yet she doesn't seem to understand sometimes even though she claims she knows her children so well.

I want to leave too. I'm sick of being stuck in a house with people who don't understand the fact that i'm an emotional bottle and that i'm battling a bloody war that doesn't seem to want to end. I won't run away or anything. It's cowardice. Unless you're being abused but all i ask for is a bit of understanding and that you don't assume that i am just this thing who will never change.

I used to think that my parents making fun of me was just an endearment thing. Nowadays, i feel like i'm being stabbed in the back when they do that. And it reduces me to tears every so often.

Zurich <3