Midnight Rambles

I can't sleep.

Though i was really tired because i didn't get enough sleep yesterday, my energy seems to have been refilled in a 2 hour nap.

Damn......

I feel not-so-strangely melancholic right now.
My mood swings.. One hates them, yet that is what makes me myself.

These past days have me rambling to my mom about myself. About how i'm really frustrated at someone and how i'm scared of things to come.
I know this sounds weird but i love how different i am from everyone else around yet i'm terribly insecure. If you've read my blog properly, you'll notice how i start to ramble. If you notice at all that is.

I over think and all my spontaneous true emotions get covered by sorry excuses and explanations.
I think about it ALOT and yet i've never been able to articulate how and why exactly i feel a way.
Now i shall try to not censor my thoughts and state the reasons i do things the way i do.

First of all, i keep talking about myself because i tell myself that i'm just trying to figure myself out. Yet i keep feeling like i have to explain myself to somebody.
I do something or want to do something so much and yet before doing it i find myself explaining to my mom or my friends and yet, nobody listens. It's rather frustrating. You don't have to listen all the time.
But i know if people actually cared or actually listened, they would ask questions. Maybe be a bit worried. And yea, tell me straight to my face "ENOUGH! I don't want to hear the same thing again." In that way, i know they've listened and they've thought about it even for a fraction.
Yet the more people don't listen to more i find myself explaining. But in fact, i hate it when people do that to me and i hate it when i do it.

(Mostly directed to Maulika who has never read my blog)
Secondly and probably the last thing i'm going to talk about since i am fed up really of finding myself wanting and being expected to explain myself is that PLEASE! I like to be alone!!

I admit, going out with friends is really fun. They bring an excitement a family can't when at a shopping mall. But seriously, do you really need me to talk every 2 minutes when we're in class? Or when we've been hanging out everyday for a week?

Maybe it's the fact that my brain is not functioning properly else i wouldn't have the guts to type this out but here are the reasons why you annoy me sooo much nowadays. Granted you are a loyal friend but a truly understanding one i think not.

1. You think you know EVERYTHING.
-Reality check. You don't. You might think your views are always correct but i find them not properly thought out at times. When i bring you to talk, sometimes it's just to see if you have any original thoughts. I haven't found any.

2. You are hypocritical
-You ask and say to people "Why are you so moody? Why can't you change your attitude?? Why are you so hot-headed???". LOOK AT YOURSELF! You never listen to me or anyone who tries to reason with you.
a)I am not always moody. Sometimes i want that silence that comes along with great companionship. You take silence for moodiness far too often for my liking and it irks me greatly. Do what i do when i suspect you are moody. Shut the hell up and walk away. How many times have i done that and just let you spill your guts when you feel like it? Countless. Yet you never notice and that is the reason whenever you ask the question "Why are you so moody?" i get irritated and angry. Sometimes i just want a nice silence to do some work/to think about things/to daydream.
b)Telling people to change their attitude and their hot-headedness is not something you can do till you control your own. Refer to number 2-.....

3.You are not truly sensitive to people's feelings.
-Refer to 2a). Instead of saying in a brisk irritating tone "Why are you moody?". Ask "Is something wrong?". I would soften at that question and not bristle with irritation. Guess you just don't know phsycology. Study it. Might help you.

I'm not being mean nor am i trying to embarass her. I am just truly irritated. It's the way i feel about her because like i said. I'm different. I'm not like the rest of the group. They have the same personality and i see sometimes that they look up to her.
I have rather different views sometimes and maybe it's because i'm so neutral (like Switzerland neutral) that i get irritated.

I get to think that. Ok. I didn't even do anything or told her to change anything about herself (until recently) and yet here i am being chastised just for wanting silence.

It's rather saddening to think that one of your closest friends doesn't even know you well enough to know that just one sentence irritates the hell out of her.
I feel that we are slowly and drifting apart. The only that's keeping us together is the fact that i shut my mouth to all the irritations i feel. Yet would she know that. She doesn't people.

If this leaks out to her. I'm sorry but try and see it my way. If you don't at least try, it just proves my point how you think you're always in the right.

I've adopted the attitude that 'If you don't like me, i won't entertain. But if you come and find me, i'll always be here.'

Friendship,
A blessing,
A curse.

I can't decide which is worse,
To ignore one's true feelings to please,
Or,
To never have any friends at all.

.Zurich.