Silence Is Truly Golden.

Life is unpredictable. Yet I have this uncontrollable habit to plan and at least lay out the foundation.

I miss the days when my only 'huge' decision was whether I wanted to enter Science or Commerce for upper secondary. I made that decision in Form 1 and I was so proud that could make up my mind that early and I followed through with it.

5 years later, here I am. More confused than ever. At one point (this was near SPM) I regretted picking Science (Bio, Physics, Chemistry) and felt that I could've probably truly flourished in Commerce but that was because I felt like I should take up business as a degree.

Now however, I don't want to do that. That is not my passion and I've always said to do what you're passionate about. So why do I find it so difficult to carry through?

It's easy for people to say "Always go and work in what you're passionate about"

But no. It's easy to say if you want to be a doctor, a pilot, an engineer. More or less, your job pays well. It's almost guaranteed you'll be rich or at least pretty comfortable. But what if your passion does not guarantee you'll have a money for food or a roof over your head?

It does boil down to money. Because if you didn't have money to feed you at least once a day I doubt you'll be happy. Sure, you can stand it for a month, 2, 3, maybe even a year. Past that time frame are you really sure you'll feel as happy?

My friends who know me know that I love languages, travelling and interacting with people. It truly is a passion but due to various reasons I can't exactly pursue what I want. And some of my friends know that I had a few opportunities and I couldn't carry through with them.

It eats me up inside thinking that I missed such amazing opportunities but c'est la vie no?

But it hurts. And it stings when I see others have the chance to pursue what I want so badly. And I hate it when I see spoilt kids with not an inkling of what they want to do, play a fool and not realise how lucky they are. I treasure every opportunity given to me and I guess that's why the disappointment is so bad.

As Eric Hoffer said "Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much hope and expectation"

It's all God's will though and it's a flaw of mine.

I'm learning to let it be though and as I said to my mum once I accepted this "I don't care anymore. Whatever the heck happens, happens."

God knows better and I shouldn't fight fate so much.